I Want Taylor Swift to be a Lesbian

2 11 2010

Before anyone gets terribly up-in-arms about this: I am not a lesbian. I have not kissed a girl, and while I can’t quite say I wouldn’t like it, never having had the experience, I don’t imagine I would. I’m currently dating a male, and while somewhat more psychologically masculine than your average female, all signs point to straight. Even if I were a lesbian, I would not kiss Taylor Swift, for that matter – she’s far too skinny, and Pop-Country music comes out of that mouth. I would kiss Don Williams. That man sings real Country.

Along with all of that, anything said below here is to be construed as not only awesome, but also humorous. I don’t intend to offend anyone, their sexual preferences, or their sensibilities. If you are offended, I’m sorry about the splinters in your butthole. Maybe there shouldn’t be so many sticks up your ass.

ANYWAY.

It occurred to me the other day at work as the radio played Taylor Swift – I only briefly caught the line, ‘I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter…’

I thought, “Whoaaawhat?” before realizing that it was supposed to be the guy in the song’s saccharine love story singing the lines, even though Taylor Swift sounds nothing like a man. But the more I thought about it, the more that I realized I had been genuinely shocked. Country music’s sweetheart? A lesbian?

It would be the best thing EVER.

Think about it. It would be fucking revolutionary. The CMT station, and every television currently tuned in to it, as well as the brains of several viewers, would literally implode. The millions made by invasive coverage of this would not only stimulate the sagging entertainment industry, but also inspire several movies.

All the media hype and reaction aside, it would also potentially bring to the fight a whole slew of men and women finally made sympathetic to the plight of homosexuals, which would strengthen the fight for equal marriage rights. However, it also has the potential to so severely disappoint so many hopeful young men that they will all form a lynch mob and go straight for Swift’s throat.

Her songs might actually change to be about something other than sucky boyfriends – they would be about sucky girlfriends, for example, and instead of men ditching her for cheerleaders it would be about how her girlfriend left her for the large woman who drives trucks across the country.

With that said, I have now made my first ideal celebrity pairing: Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga. They would make such a great and contrasting couple, Taylor and her conservative nude-toned lipsticks next to Lady Gaga and her latest outfit corresponding to some animal’s body parts. I love it. I want this to happen.

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